Office Space.

I’m actually writing this from work.
I sit right in front of the boss, so I might get fired.
But, to be honest, I don’t know if I care.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been really struggling to find a balance between the work I need to do to make money (commercial design), and the work I would like to do because it’s my passion (Proxart and/or music). Most days I sit at my desk, and I work on 48 page books of curriculum for schools in Shanghai that use Disney characters to teach kids english, while my mind thinks about what something like Proxart could mean to a lot of people sitting around Santa Clarita who create art, and want other people to see it. Or some days I think about why it’s been over 6 months since I’ve written (what I would consider to be) a decent song. Why I don’t have enough energy to carry a conversation well with someone I care about. Why I can’t find the nerve to confront some people on some issues that need confronting. Why I can’t seem to kick a coffee addiction. Why I feel the need to spend a ton of money on things I don’t need, just because I have it and it’s available for me to spend. Why everything that I want to do, I don’t feel qualified to do.

It’s a long list – the things I wonder about.

Don’t get me wrong: the job that I have is wonderful. The people I work with are amazing, and the fact that I have this job at all (despite the fact that I don’t have anything close to a design degree – or any degree) is a gift. But I can’t help but sit back and wonder if I’m giving up a dream that I am supposed to pursue for my own comfort’s sake. For a house. For my iPhone. For security.  

It’s slightly discomforting.

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Comments
One Response to “Office Space.”
  1. Catlin says:

    *sigh* my friend i understand where you’re at and it’s a difficult place. I think one of the pervasive lessons I’ve been learning is that, when you love something and feel called to it, you just have to do it…whatever the risk is doesn’t matter, you just have to do it. I’m not entirely sure how that relates to Proxart, and to vision, and to the convictions it appears you’re having right now, but it might (or it might not at all).

    I love you, Nathan.

    -Catlin

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