i love you all dearly.

it’s been an interesting week.  of course, i can’t think back to many weeks that haven’t been interesting lately.

i mean, it’s not every week that your entire valley is on fire.  it’s weird to drive up the street from my house, and smell sulfer, and see vacant lots where houses used to be.  where families used to be.

about a year ago, my friend sammy and i would go up on top of this hill that overlooked the entire city, and we would pray.  we would pray for the city.  we would pray for the opportunity to share Jesus with the city.  we would pray for the opportunity to love the city, and to serve the city.  and we would ask that we wouldn’t be the only people who had this mindset.  we wanted our church (heart of the canyons) to have that mindset.  and for other churches in the valley to have this mindset.

but it’s hard to change the minds of 400 people who have been living in complacency for so long.  it’s hard to change the minds of 400 people who don’t want their minds changed.

but we tried.

and we burned out.

and we got bitter.

so i started a band.  to try to return to my former band life (see: MOI).  and then i started taking pictures, and designing things because it was something i loved doing, and it was something that wasn’t confined to church.

then i started a new church altogether.

and just this week i realized something.

i was driving up amanda’s street to hang out with her on wednesday, and my windows  were down.  and all i could smell was sulfur.  and all i could see were homes that had been burned to the ground.  and amanda lives on a hill.  so i could see the whole city.  so, when i got out of the car, i started to cry.

because this city that was burning was a city that i loved.  was a city that i cared for.

and i had been bitter for a whole year.  blinded by my selfishness.  distracted by what others would think.

i mean, i’ve always cared what people think of me.  i think that that comes from being a pastors kid.  you know, people always watching you and telling your parents what you do (even when you didn’t do them).

but this year, it’s been bad.  to the point of where i care more about what someone in riverside thinks of what i’m doing, then what i know i need to be doing.  to the point of where i care more about what some 15 year olds in a high school group think of what i’m doing then what God thinks.  its bad.  and it’s affected my art as much as its affected me.

i can now honestly say that i didn’t really like the music i produced with progress.  it was a good experience for me, because it was fun to work with friends and create music, but it was all driven by bitterness for me.

only recently have i enjoyed writing music.  only recently have i enjoyed the music i’m writing.

so, i am here to apologize to you. and by you, i mean anyone that i know personally.

so here it goes:

i’m sorry if i’ve seemed bitter.  because i was.

i’m sorry if it seemed like i was competing with you.  because i was.

i’m sorry if i seemed angry.  because i was.

i’m sorry if i’ve been a jerk.  because i was.

i’m sorry if i hurt you.  because i was hurt.

i’m sorry i was all these things.

if there are more, feel free to remind me.

i guess the point of this foreverlong blog (if you’re still reading, you’re a trooper, and you get a gold star next to your name… just talk to me after class): i’m pretty sure that i’m out of that stage of my life, and its a good thing.  i’m just sad that it took a massive fire, and the loss of a few houses to do so.

thank you jesus.

and thank you everyone else that hasn’t abandoned me.

i love you all dearly.

“Come, let us return to the LORD;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will raise us up,
that we may live before him.
Let us know;let us press on to know the LORD;
his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth.”

– hosea 6:1-3

{bright eyes :: four winds – ep}

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Comments
One Response to “i love you all dearly.”
  1. matt says:

    isn’t it great that when you write the stuff you really care about, no one ever comments?

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