the bad thing about driving (among other things) is that it makes you think.  and i hate thinking.  i hate thinking because if i think long enough¹, i always find something that’s wrong with me.

today i figured out, while we were somewhere in the middle of nowhere in texas, that i’ve really done a crappy job leading this year back at heart of the canyons.  i mean, sure, i’ve lead worship week in and week out.  i’ve set up bands and i’ve worked with groups of musicians.  i’ve dealt with quite a few internal problems, and some (very few) of them have gone fairly smooth (horrible).

but overall, i sucked.  i completely lost focus.  i started a band of my own², when i should have continued to build into the people that were in my ministry and i put my hopes and dreams far above the ones that God had originally given me.

my vision got pretty blurred.  well.  very blurred.

since wal mart is really the only thing to do in texas³, i had a lot of time to read, and a lot of time to pray.  it was exactly what i needed.  i know now that i’m going to have to cut some things from my priority list when i get home (not reorganize the priority list, literally cut it up and rewrite it).  the list must be smaller if i am to get anything of great importance done.

i was doing too much, and therefore i was getting very little done.

sounds :: silence (and an air conditioner).

¹ this usually takes approximately 2 minutes and 47 seconds.

² starting my own band wasn’t the problem.  it had nothing to do with writing music, other than ‘shine jesus shine’ worship songs.  it had everything to do with how much my mind shifted from leading people, to completely doing my own thing.  i would like to, some day, play music that i write on a stage that’s not in a church.  that is my goal.  but my first priority right now – and for a while – needs to be the churches that God has placed me in.  besides, i’m still learning how to write a decent song anyways.

³ i used to always make jokes about how people in texas go to wal mart all the time.  but i didn’t really mean it.  now i do.  because i promise you, that during the three weeks we were in the lone star state we went to wal mart no less than 50 times.  serious.

written at 2:20 am, at the hampton hotel, in las cruces new mexico, on sunday august 12 2007.

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